Classic Goons....

I thought it was about time I took the opportunity to post this, the funniest dialogue from 'The Goon Show'. You'll either find it hilarious or you won't. I suppose that Eccles, Bluebottle and co are just like marmite: you'll either love them or you'll hate them. Personally, though I admit that at times, the humour could be a lttle weak and often appeared somewhat dated, pieces like the one following are timeless.

Modern day comedy owes a lot to The Goons in general, and to the genius that was Spike Milligan in particular. Here's the transcript. To get the full effect, listen to the original recording here.

Bluebottle (aka Peter Sellers): What time is it Eccles?

Eccles (aka Spike Milligan): Err, just a minute. I've got it written down on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.

Bluebottle: Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you Eccles?

Eccles: Well, um, if anybody asks me the time, I can show it to dem.

Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man.

Eccles: What is it fellow?

Bluebottle: It's writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o'clock, is writted.

Eccles: I know that my good fellow. That's right, um, when I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o'clock.

Bluebottle: Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?

Eccles: Well den, I don't show it to 'em.

Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?

Eccles: I've got it written down on a piece of paper.

Bluebottle: Ohh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on.

Eccles: Oohhhh.

Bluebottle: 'Ere Eccles?

Eccles: Yah.

Bluebottle: Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you? 'Ere. This piece of paper ain't goin'

Eccles: What? I've been sold a forgery.

Bluebottle: No wonder it stopped at eight o'clock.

Eccles: Ohh dear!

Blubottle: You should get one a dem t'ings my Grandad's got.

Eccles: Ohh?

Bluebottle: When he re-tired.

Eccles: Ohh!

Bluebottle: It's one a dem t'ings what it is, wakes you up at eight o'clock, boils the kettule, and pours a cuppa tea.

Eccles: Oh yeah! uh, um... what's it called, um?

Bluebottle: My Grandma!

Eccles: Oh, ah, wait a minute. How does she know when it's eight o'clock?

Bluebottle: She's got it written down on a piece of paper!

Transcript from The Goons, The Mysterious Punch-Up-The-Conker, first broadcast 7th February 1957

The Testimony of the Lhij (a 'mass' character outline)

As an aid to writing I often try to develop outlines for some of the major characters in the stories I'm writing. This can be anything from a few notes about their background and personality, a couple of paragraphs describing something from their history, or even a sketch or drawing of what they look like. Occasionally I'll actually write a (very) short story that features them in order to introduce the character to people, especially to me.

 I find it very effective; when I eventually include the character in the story I planned for them, I feel as though I already know them, as if they are more like a real person and less like a convenient stereotype. There can be things I've planned for their history that may never be mentioned in the story they appear in, but with me knowing that certain experiences have happened to them, I can more easily build that into their personalities, and make a point to take into account how it would affect the way they react or behave. It makes for a much more believable and realistic character.

Within the fantasy genre though, there's another similar problem. Fantasy stories often invent an entire new species or race, and though it's all very well to use these people as antagonists in the story, without some kind of background, they'll always be secondary to the story as far as characters go. Often individuals within these groups don't actually feature in the story. If they do, all well and good, because it's wonderful to build up an alien character, especially one who's antagonistic: it gives the author a chance to give some kind of justification to the character and how he behaves. But when no individual character is singled out, it's still useful to have some kind of background to the 'enemy race', at least to work from, so that they still appear as real characters in the story and not just 'useful puppets'.

In my current work in progess, much of the enemy 'desert army' consists of a species known as the Lhij. They're a semi-human, rodent like species who are necessarily warlike and blood-thirsty. They support my main villain, but rather than make them totally subservient to him, I wanted to give them a purpose of their own. I wanted to give them some history. I put together the following piece, which is a kind of testimony in their own words. A kind of character sketch for an entire species...


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We are The Lhij...

We are as old as the desert itself and this is our history. We know it to be a true account as it has been passed down from our ancestors.
The glory of the Lhij lives forever. Our might prevails against any foe.

In the beginning we lived as little more than animals, leaving our burrows to gnaw on roots or on the bones of animals discarded by their predators, before scurrying back to avoid those same predators.

It came to pass that we learned to walk proud and to hold ourselves upright. We banded together in tribes and preyed upon the beasts that had preyed on us, killing what we chose to, as we needed to. Soon no beast was too fierce for us.

The Arkee-El, the Darkmen who thought themselves masters of the desert, enslaved us and for centuries we did their bidding rather than our own. We were nothing more than the Darkmen’s creatures, but we waited, and we watched them, and we learned

The day came when one of our kind defied the Arkee-El. He dared to say no, and pounced, savaging the throat of his master before it could make use of the venom in its murderous claws. We rose up and defeated the Arkee-El and then we were no longer slaves to the Darkmen. They were our slaves.

We learned to make weapons and we learned to use them and none in the desert could stand against our might. For a time, we ruled the desert unchallenged.

The old ones came to the Desert. They called themselves the Dhang, and they built great cities both above and below the ground. We envied their towers and their tunnels and desired them over our own simple burrows, so we drove the Dhang out, and made their cities our own. We fought them and we killed thousands; we chased their survivors out into the desert. We fought off their attacks until they were no longer of any threat to us. Some of them still live there to this day. Lately they have visited our cities and they look upon them with the envy we once did, but these are the cities of the Lhij now, and nobody has the power to take them from us.

And now another comes: A human. It offers to lead us and promises to make us greater. It allies itself with Arkee-El and Dhang, and has meddled with the lowly desert reptiles to make a new race: The Elkee-El, the horde of the desert. It clearly has power, and must be dealt with carefully.

It seeks to rule us, and believes that it can. We will let it think what it will for now, but we will bide our time, for no human, no Dhang and no Arkee-El will ever rule over us, for we are the Lhij and the glory of the Lhij lives forever. Our might prevails against any foe.

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As ever, I appreciate comments. I'd like to know whether you build character outlines, for individuals and groups, and how you go about it. I'd also like to know what you think of the Lhij and their testimony.

Thank you in anticipation.


** Meet the Lhij in this (first draft) sample chapter click here **